[Private]

I think I may have to strangle Voigt for ruining things with Cutti. Or strangle Cutti for ruining things with Cutti. Or for ruining things with Voigt. Not that there was much to ruin. Voigt's just being stupid. Most people do not consider stupidity to be a desireable characteristic when searching for a doctor. Though water does seek its own level, and he may be in luck. Most of the patients we deal with are absolute morons.

But he should not have been that upset about me kissing Cutti. Unless there is something else there which I fully intend to weasel out of him. Which there most assuredly is.

Let the weaseling commence.

[Private]

[Private to Voigt]

You are an idiot.

[/Private]

Today only:

I don't feel like dealing with you

so FREE VICOdIN to anyone who comes in for medical help.

By which I mean, go ask Cutti.

Just so everyone is clear, my preferred course of treatment for papercuts happens to be amputation. And you know how busy doctors are. If we don't have time to be as accurate as we possibly can, you might end up losing a forearm. Or we might cut it off at the shoulder to prevent further infection. We're very concerned with safety, if not medical accuracy.

So anyone else who wants to come in and have something checked out, know that technically I don't have to treat you before performing a series of painful and often humiliating tests.

Yes, this tube goes exactly where you think it goes.

WHY did the kids have to come back?

Your friendly neighborhood healer,
Gregor Haus

( Survey, since there's only so much to do in here )

Don't any of you have the good graces to come down with a mysterious illness? I'm bored and I can't remember how to do "walk the dog." I think this yo-yo's busted.

Hello, sick people! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregor Haus; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of two healers staffing in the hospital wing. Madame Pomphrey is off on official business for the nurses' union, because let's face it, nurses don't get paid enough to help people like you. So unfortunately, she's much too busy to deal with you.

I am a board certified healer and diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and emergency medicine. And aside from Wilson, I'm currently the only doctor here. But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin.

Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants to see me?